TABLE OF CONTENTS
PARA MENORES DE 16 ANOS !!!
THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO NEW YORK
O ITALIANO QUE VIAJOU A NOVA IORQUE
(Must be read with an Italian accent)
Esse aprendeu inglês
num curso rápido.
One day ima gonna Nuyok to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat
breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only
one piss. I tella her I want to piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you
no understand, I wanna to piss onma plate. She say you better no piss onna
plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a
spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone
wanna fock. I tell her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She
say you better no fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to
my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager
tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand,
I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: - Peace on you.
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
Consolo para os italianos: What's
the difference between Spielberg and Fellini? Fellini spends a dollar
to make a masterpiece, while Spielberg spends a billion dollars to make
a soap opera.
Ainda sobre cinema norte-americano: De bunda de nenê e de cabeça de diretor
de cinema americano a gente sempre sabe o que pode sair.
Juremir Machado da Silva - Correio do Povo, 2/5/04.
TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
- 1) You can GET chocolate.
- 2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning
- 3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
- 4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving and even
without a condom.
- 5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
- 6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
- 7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
- 8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being
called nasty names.
- 9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
- 10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working
hours without upsetting your co-workers.
- 11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face
- 12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
- 13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
- 14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant and you don't get AIDS.
- 15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
- 16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
- 17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
- 18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
- 19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
- 20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.
Pass this on to 5 other people otherwise your heart will be broken in
From Jason Fox - Florida,
Oi pessoal da Schütz & Kanomata!
It's always good to laugh a little:
(Translations into English)
In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.
If you are not a person to do such thing please not to read notice.
In a Bucharest hotel: The lift is being fixed for the next
day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and
only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button
for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should
press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at
the office between the hours of 9 and 11 AM daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattering of underwear with pleasure
is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of
Lobby of a Moscow hotel across from the Russian Orthodox Monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate
the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wine leaves you with
nothing to hope for.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because
is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden
on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance,
men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each
other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining
guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted
by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend
the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czech tourist agency: Take one of our horse driven city
tours we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like
to ride your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special to day: no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even
a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and
send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first
visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to
have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you
have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all
the water served here.
From a Japanese information booklet about using the hotel air
conditioner: Cooles and heates: if you want just condition of warm in
your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger
of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first,
but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking.
Here speeching American.
Thanks a lot Jason. But you don't have to go too
far to see funny English. Listen to this:
- In Rio-Sul VARIG airplanes, on toothpick wrappings: stick.
- On the menu of an expensive restaurant some time ago in Santa Cruz do Sul,
Brazil: Sea Fruit: fish, shrimp, etc.
- On the menu of another: sweet water fish (peixe de água
doce), mattered wine (vinho importado), stocking bottle (meia
que dá tentar traduzir apenas com a ajuda de um dicionário,
sem domínio da língua.
Vejam também Engrish.com, e morra de rir com os erros produzidos em países
From Tom - Florida,
Here are some quotes from the ads of various newspapers.
Can you figure out what's wrong with each one? Maybe there is nothing wrong
and the ad is just plain funny.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses
in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 0 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Great Dames for sale.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and
Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with
the big 7 on it and U-P after.
From Jason Fox - Florida, US:
Here's some more funny stuff for you:
GLOSSÁRIO DE UM TRADUTOR BRASILEIRO QUE ESTUDOU NUM CURSINHO
RÁPIDO, PORQUE NÃO TINHA TEMPO A PERDER:
Layout .................................... Fora da lei
Go home .................................Vá a Roma
He is my son ........................... Ele e maçon
US Mail .................................. Meio dos Estados
I don't care ............................. Eu não quero
Go ahead ................................ Gol de cabeça
Broken heart ........................... Coração
Are you sick? .......................... Qual e seu CIC?
What time is it? ....................... Que time é esse?
They go jogging all the time ... Eles vão jogar com todo
o time (time completo)
An ice cream ........................... Crime cometido com
Because .................................... Inflamação
Fourteen .................................. Pessoa baixa e forte
Corn flakes .............................. Cornos e frescos
She must go ............................. Ela mastigou
It's too late ............................... É muito
Free shop ................................. Chopp de graça
Good stuff ................................ Boa estufa
A hot day .................................. Arrotei.
With noise ................................ Conosco
Yellow river .............................. Ela e horrível.
The boy is behind the door ....... O boi esta berrando de dor.
I'm a man .................................. Eu mamei
Once more ................................ Onde você mora?
Merry Christmas ...................... Maria foi crismada.
Today's payday ......................... Hoje peidei.
In French .................................. Em frente.
Netscape ................................... Nescafé
Fuck ......................................... Fuca
Feliz Natal para todos!! - Dec 96
From Sergio Muller
Cearês para Americanos
What the hell is that? = Diabéisso?
Hurry up! = Avia, homi!
Take it easy! = Se avexe não!
Don´t be stupid! = Deixe de ser jumento!
Let´s go, fellows! = Rumbora negada!
No thanks! = Carece não!
Very far away! = Lá na carraducarai!
Very good = Danado de bom
This way = Peralí
More or less = Marromeno
Straight ahead = No rumo da venta
Get out of the way = Ó o mei! Sai do mei!
That´s cool! = É pai d´égua!
I give up! = Eu peço penico!
Wait for me! = Perainda!
Hey, mister! = Psiu, ei seu Zé!
Son of a bitch = Fi duma égua
Come to me, baby! = Ande, Tonha!
From Jason Fox - Florida, US:
Dear folks at Schütz and Kanomata:
Sabendo que entre os seus alunos tem muito interesse por aprender as
expressões mais usadas no inglês americano, eu estou mandando
pra vocês este fuckin' lista que é fuckin' funny!
Ode to the Word "Fuck".
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language
today is the word fuck. It is the one magical word which, just
by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, fuck
falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive
(John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary fucks really well).
It can be an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or a noun (Mary
is a great fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (The fucking girl
wasn't satisfied) or as an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with
Mary!). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is stupid, fuck she's
an idiot). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility
of the word fuck - a must in every ESL classroom.
Also, on the level of semantics, it covers quite a variety of meanings. Aside
from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many
It can be used in an anatomical description - "He's a fucking
It can be used to tell time - "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business - "How did I end up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal - "Motherfucker."
It can be political - "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
- 1. Greetings: "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud: "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation: "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble: "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression: "FUCK YOU!"
6. Authority: "Get the fuck out of here!"
7. Disgust: "Fuck me."
8. Confusion or perplexity: "What the fuck .......?"
9. Difficulty: "I don't understand this fucking business!"
10. Despair: "Fucked again ..."
11. Pleasure: "I fucking couldn't be happier."
12. Displeasure: "What the fuck is going on here?"
13. Lost: "Where the fuck are we? - Bum fuck!"
14. Astonishment and disbelief: "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
15. Retaliation: "Up your fucking ass!"
16. Denial: "I didn't fucking do it."
17. Being informed: "I know all the fuck about it."
18. Apathy: "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?" / "I don't give a flying fuck"
19. Questioning authority: "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic: "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Annoyance: "Fuck off." / "Go fuck yourself."
22. Amazement: "How the fuck did you do that?"
23. Skepticism or an offensive response to threat: "Are you fucking with me?"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
- "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
- "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" - General
- "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" - Captain
of the Titanic
- "That was a real fucking gun!" - John Lennon
- "Who's gonna fucking find out?" - Richard Nixon
- "Heads are going to fucking roll." - Anne Boleyn
- "Let the fucking woman drive." - Commander of Space Shuttle
- "What fucking map?" - Mark Thatcher
- "Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein
- "It does so fucking look like her!" - Picasso
- "How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
- "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
- "Fuck a duck." - Walt Disney
- "Why?! Because its fucking there!" - Edmund Hilary
- "It's a fucking skin condition." - Michael Jackson
- "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
- John F. Kennedy
- "I'll shoot you if you fuck with my gun." - Charlton Heston
- "Scattered showers, my fucking ass." - Noah
INGLÊS EM 7 DIAS PARA TODAS AS OCASIÕES:
Ao encontrar alguém:
quiser uma Coca-Cola, diga:
quiser comer uns ovos com presunto:
Se precisar pegar
um táxi, pergunte:
Se prender o dedo
na porta do táxi, grite:
Se levar um escorregão
no metrô, diga:
Se você for assaltado no Bronx:
der de cara com um mulherão tipo Cindy Crawford, diga:
Se alguém lhe gritar algo que
contenha FÂC, responda:
perder seu passaporte, chame a policia e diga:
Se você se perder na cidade, grite:
Quando se referir
a uma terceira pessoa, outro sujeito, diga:
Se estiver à fim de transar com
aquela mulher espetacular, diga-lhe:
que a anterior, mas se for um pouco tímido, diga:
Se lhe perguntarem quem fez determinada
coisa, aponte na direção da pessoa:
Se quiser fazer
um elogio a uma mulher, diga:
Se achar algo caro, diga:
Se quiser tentar
um desconto, diga:
Se estiver com dor de barriga diga:
se lembrar de onde conhece determinada pessoa, diga:
Se você encontrar uma pessoa muito
feia, saúde-a dizendo:
estiver à fim de convidar aquela super-gata para ir para a sua casa:
Se o caixa lhe pedir dinheiro trocado,
Se gostar da comida,
Se achar que alguém está
querendo fazer gozação com você, pergunte:
estiver lhe enchendo o saco, diga:
Se achar que estas
instruções não lhe servem prá nada, ouça
RAO TU GUET ÂFÂQUIN
AI LÓST MAI FÂQUIN
AI EM FÂQUIN LÓST
DE FÂQUIN GAI OVADÉR
AI UANA FÂC UIT IÚ
RELOU, CUDAI FÂQ UIT IU?
DÂ FÂQUIN BITX OVADÉR DID DÂ
IUR BÂT IS FÂQUIN GÚD
DIZ XIT IS FÂQUIN ECSPENSIF
GIMI Â FÂQUIN DISCÁUNT
UÉR QUENAI TEICA FÂQUIN XIT?
UÉR DÂ FÂC
DUAI NOUIU FRÓM?
IU ÁR Â FÂQUIN ÂGLI MÂDAFÂCA
QUENAI TEIC IU ROME ÉN FÂQUIÚ?
AI EINT GÁT ÉNI FÂQUIN CHENDJI
DIZ XIT IS FÃQUIN GÚD
ARIU FÂQUIN UIT MI?
UARA FÂC IÚ ÓNT?
90 ADVANTAGES OF BEING A MALE
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
6. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
7. You can open all your own jars.
8. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
9. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
10. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on
every shot of someone crying.
11. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
12. All your orgasms are real.
13. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
14. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
15. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you
16. You understand why "Stripes" is funny.
17. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
18. Your last name stays put.
19. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
20. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone
secretly hates you.
21. You can kill your own food.
22. The garage is all yours.
23. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
24. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
25. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
26. You never have to clean the toilet.
27. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
28. Sex means never worrying about your reputation: the more partners,
29. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
30. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be you friend.
31. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
32. The National College Cheerleading Championship
33. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
34. You don't have to shave below your neck.
35. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
36. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
37. You can write your name in the snow.
38. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
39. Everything on your face stays its original color.
40. Chocolate is just another snack.
41. You can be president.
42. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
43. Flowers fix everything.
44. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
45. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
46. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
47. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
48. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
49. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
50. Foreplay is optional.
51. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe and you don't know
what Kalvin Klein is.
52. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
53. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
54. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming
55. You never feel compelled to waste an evening trying to stop a pal
from getting laid.
56. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
57. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
58. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without
even thinking: He must be mad at me.
59. The world is your urinal (You can pee anywhere).
60. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is
about to leave you.
61. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
62. One mood, all the time.
63. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look
64. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
65. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
66. Same work....more pay.
67. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
68. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
69. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
70. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
71. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population
in 15 tries, at least in theory.
72. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
73. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
74. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
75. You can have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
76. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
77. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the
78. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
your friends you've changed.
79. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
80. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck
81. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might
become lifelong buddies.
82. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
83. You don't mind being a sexual object.
84. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because your not in
85. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can fix it or bash it
with a hammer and throw it across the room.
86. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
87. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
88. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
89. Not liking certain people does not preclude having great sex with
90. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice
From MANNA - Canada
To all of you girls out there: here's something to laugh about;
and to all of you guys out there: send us some women's jokes
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get,
or how long it'll last.
- What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
- A man's undivided attention.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes
all their decisions.
- Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
- He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
- What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
- The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
- Why did god create man?
- Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
- Why do men love computers?
- No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.
From MANNA - Canada
Hey! This stuff is good. I hope you enjoy
MY VERY FIRST TIME
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
To all students with laugh
Now I lay me
Down to study,
I pray the Lord
I won't go nutty.
Tell my prof
I did my best,
Then pile my books
Upon my chest.
If I should fail
To learn this junk,
I pray the Lord
I will not flunk.
Now I lay me
Down to rest,
And pray I'll pass
But if I do,
Don't pity me at all,
Just lay my bones
In the study hall.
If I should die
Before I wake,
That's one less test
I'll have to take.
From MANNA - Canada
Technology on the eve of the 21st century
Four major executives from various countries are playing golf together
on the second tee when they hear a phone ring. The Canadian executive reaches
into his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. "OK, buy 1000 Microsoft
shares" the Canadian tells the other person on the phone, then hangs
up. He then says to the others, "I'm such an important person that
I have to make sure my employees can reach me at any time. Therefore I
carry a cell phone everywhere."
On the next tee, they hear another phone. All of a sudden the American
puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to his ear and begins talking.
When he gets off the line he tells the others "I'm so important that
I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker
in my thumb. That way, I don't have to worry about carrying a cellular
telephone and can be reached even when I'm taking a shower." The people
are impressed and move on. On the green, they hear another phone ring.
The German guy stands up tall and says "OK, sell the company now."
He loosens up and tells the others: "I'm so important that I had my
company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all
I need to do is stand up straight to get the signal." Everybody is
really impressed and they continue playing. At the next tee they hear another
phone ring. All of a sudden the Japanese executive runs into the bushes.
After a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they go into the
bushes. The Japanese guy is in the bushes with his pants around his legs
and squatting as if to take a dump. "Oh, we're sorry" the American
executive exclaims, "we'll leave you alone." "That's OK,"
the Japanese executive says "I'm just waiting for a fax."
From MANNA - Canada
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess
I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!!
There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker
and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the
computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about
it. It only costs $10." The man figured he had nothing to lose, so
he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding
the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer
started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After
a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
have tennis elbow.
your arm in warm water.
will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was
and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if
this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together
some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his
wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He
went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample
and deposited the $10. The machine again made the usual noise, blinked
a few more lights, and finally printed out the following analysis:
tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
daughter's on drugs. Put her in rehab.
wife's pregnant. It isn't yours. Get a lawyer.
if you don't stop jerking off (masturbating), your tennis elbow will never
From MANNA - Canada
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks,
a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said,
"Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning,
and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of
you and bring you food every day". Moving closer, he slipped his arm
around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep
me happy". The girl nodded 'yes'. After all, what did she have to
lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during
a routine search, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you
doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one
of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and
he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," said the Captain.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry."
From Alice - Valdosta
Letter to Santa Claus
Lil Johnny's mother was cleaning one weekend and found this letter
that he had sent to Santa the previous year.
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December.
Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred
since the beginning of the month! I asked for a bicycle, an electric train
set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain
studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had
the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa,
there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me.
With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would
go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually
nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!
WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE,
AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A
BITCH, THAT YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME
OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED
ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING
TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME
SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL
FUCK YOU UP! I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND
SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK
TO THE NORTH POLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT
FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BASTARD!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU!! NEXT YEAR
YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT
YEAR, YOU FAT FUCK!!!
From Alice -
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices
a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon
the small white guy and says:
The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small
white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks
the small white guy:
The small white guy says:
- - "7-foot tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch dick, 3-pound left ball, 3-pound
right ball, Turner Brown."
The big black dude looks down and says:
- - "Excuse me but what did you say?"
The small white guy says:
- - "7-foot tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch dick, 3-pound left ball, 3-pound
right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
- "Thank god, I thought you had said 'turn around.'"
Price - Maine
Dog training: closer to truth than most would
Five men are bragging about how smart their dogs are: The 1st man is
an accountant, the 2nd man is a chemist, the 3rd man is an engineer, the
4th man is a linguist and the 5th is a government worker.
To show off, the accountant calls to his dog:
"Slide Rule, do your stuff!"
Slide Rule goes into the kitchen and returns with a dozen cookies.
He divides them into 4 piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agrees that is
But the chemist says his dog can do better. He calls his dog and says:
"Test Tube, do your stuff!"
Test Tube gets up, walks over to the fridge, takes out a quart of milk,
gets a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and pours exactly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop. Everyone agrees that is good.
However, the engineer says his dog can do even better. He calls his
dog and orders:
"T-Square, do your stuff!"
T-Square trots over to a desk, takes out some paper and a pen and shrewdly
draws a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agrees that is extremely
Then the linguist says his dog is even more intelligent. He calls the
dog and says:
"Chomsky, do your stuff!"
Chomsky gets the pen and writes on the paper the word "dog"
in 3 languages. Everyone is amazed.
Finally, the 4 men turn to the government worker and ask: "What
can your dog do?" The government worker calls the animal and says:
"Coffee Break, do your stuff!"
Coffee Break jumps to his feet, eats the cookies, drinks the milk,
dumps on the paper, fines the linguist for teaching without a certificate,
sexually assaults the other 4 dogs, claims that he injured his back while
doing so, files a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, puts
in for worker's compensation and goes home on sick leave.
- English dictionary of dirty words - link
Engrish.com - link
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