TABLE OF CONTENTS

  • The Italian who went to New York
  • Top 20 reasons why chocolate is better than sex
  • Fractured English
  • Native speakers also screw up English
  • Glossário de um tradutor brasileiro que estudou num cursinho rápido
  • Glossário inglês - cearês
  • A palavra mais usada em inglês
  • Inglês em 7 dias para todas as ocasiões
  • 90 advantages of being a male
  • Jokes about men
  • My Very First Time (poema)
  • Pray for me (poema de um estudante)
  • Technology in the 21st century
  • Medical Science
  • Screwed
  • Letter to Santa Claus
  • Turner Brown
  • Dog training
  • !!!  PROIBIDO  PARA  MENORES  DE  16  ANOS  !!!


    THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO NEW YORK
    O ITALIANO QUE VIAJOU A NOVA IORQUE

    (Must be read with an Italian accent)

    One day ima gonna Nuyok to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want to piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onma plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

    Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better no fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.

    I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: - Peace on you. I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

    Esse aprendeu inglês num curso rápido.
    Consolo para os italianos: What's the difference between Spielberg and Fellini?  Fellini spends a dollar to make a masterpiece, while Spielberg spends a billion dollars to make a soap opera.
    Ainda sobre cinema norte-americano: De bunda de nenê e de cabeça de diretor de cinema americano a gente sempre sabe o que pode sair.
    Juremir Machado da Silva - Correio do Povo, 2/5/04.

    From KRAZYBITCH

    TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:

    Pass this on to 5 other people otherwise your heart will be broken in 24 hours!


    From Jason Fox - Florida, US:
    Oi pessoal da Schütz & Kanomata!
    It's always good to laugh a little:
    FRACTURED ENGLISH
    (Translations into English)

    Somewhere in a golf clubIn a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing please not to read notice.

    In a Bucharest hotel: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

    In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

    In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

    In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

    In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 AM daily.

    In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattering of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

    In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

    Lobby of a Moscow hotel across from the Russian Orthodox Monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

    In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

    On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wine leaves you with nothing to hope for.

    Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

    In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

    In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

    A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

    In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

    In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

    In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

    In a Czech tourist agency: Take one of our horse driven city tours we guarantee no miscarriages.

    Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride your own ass?

    In a Swiss mountain inn: Special to day: no ice cream.

    In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

    In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

    In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

    On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

    In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

    In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

    In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

    From a Japanese information booklet about using the hotel air conditioner: Cooles and heates: if you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

    From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

    Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.

    Thanks a lot Jason. But you don't have to go too far to see funny English. Listen to this:


    É nisso que dá tentar traduzir apenas com a ajuda de um dicionário, sem domínio da língua.
    Vejam também Engrish.com, e morra de rir com os erros produzidos em países asiáticos.

    From Tom - Florida, US:
    Here are some quotes from the ads of various newspapers.
    Can you figure out what's wrong with each one? Maybe there is nothing wrong and the ad is just plain funny.

    A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

    Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

    For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

    Four-poster bed, 0 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

    We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

    Great Dames for sale.

    Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

    Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

    The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

    Stock up and save. Limit: one.

    Man, honest. Will take anything.

    Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

    Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

    Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

    Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

    Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

    See ladies blouses. 50% off!

    Illiterate? Write today for free help.

    Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

    Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions.

    Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

    Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.

    When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and U-P after.



    From Jason Fox - Florida, US:
    Here's some more funny stuff for you:

    GLOSSÁRIO DE UM TRADUTOR BRASILEIRO QUE ESTUDOU NUM CURSINHO RÁPIDO, PORQUE NÃO TINHA TEMPO A PERDER:

    Layout .................................... Fora da lei
    Go home .................................Vá a Roma
    He is my son ........................... Ele e maçon
    US Mail .................................. Meio dos Estados Unidos
    I don't care ............................. Eu não quero
    Go ahead ................................ Gol de cabeça
    Broken heart ........................... Coração bronqueado
    Are you sick? .......................... Qual e seu CIC?
    What time is it? ....................... Que time é esse?
    They go jogging all the time ... Eles vão jogar com todo o time (time completo)
    An ice cream ........................... Crime cometido com frieza
    Because .................................... Inflamação no bico
    Fourteen .................................. Pessoa baixa e forte
    Corn flakes .............................. Cornos e frescos
    She must go ............................. Ela mastigou
    It's too late ............................... É muito leite
    Free shop ................................. Chopp de graça
    Good stuff ................................ Boa estufa
    A hot day .................................. Arrotei.
    With noise ................................ Conosco
    Yellow river .............................. Ela e horrível.
    The boy is behind the door ....... O boi esta berrando de dor.
    I'm a man .................................. Eu mamei
    Once more ................................ Onde você mora?
    Merry Christmas ...................... Maria foi crismada.
    Today's payday ......................... Hoje peidei.
    In French .................................. Em frente.
    Netscape ................................... Nescafé americano
    Fuck ......................................... Fuca

    Feliz Natal para todos!! - Dec 96


    From Sergio Muller

    Cearês para Americanos
    -------------------------
    What the hell is that? = Diabéisso?
    Hurry up! = Avia, homi!
    Take it easy! = Se avexe não!
    Don´t be stupid! = Deixe de ser jumento!
    Let´s go, fellows! = Rumbora negada!
    No thanks! = Carece não!
    Very far away! = Lá na carraducarai!
    Very good = Danado de bom
    This way = Peralí
    More or less = Marromeno
    Straight ahead = No rumo da venta
    Get out of the way = Ó o mei! Sai do mei!
    That´s cool! = É pai d´égua!
    I give up! = Eu peço penico!
    Wait for me! = Perainda!
    Hey, mister! = Psiu, ei seu Zé!
    Son of a bitch = Fi duma égua
    Come to me, baby! = Ande, Tonha!

    From Jason Fox - Florida, US:

    Dear folks at Schütz and Kanomata:
    Sabendo que entre os seus alunos tem muito interesse por aprender as expressões mais usadas no inglês americano, eu estou mandando pra vocês este fuckin' lista que é fuckin' funny!
     
    Ode to the Word "Fuck".
     
    Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word fuck. It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, fuck falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary fucks really well). It can be an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or a noun (Mary is a great fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (The fucking girl wasn't satisfied) or as an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary!). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is stupid, fuck she's an idiot). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word fuck - a must in every ESL classroom.
     
    Also, on the level of semantics, it covers quite a variety of meanings. Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
    It can be used in an anatomical description - "He's a fucking asshole."
    It can be used to tell time - "It's five fucking thirty."
    It can be used in business - "How did I end up with this fucking job?"
    It can be maternal - "Motherfucker."
    It can be political - "Fuck Dan Quayle!"

    It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:


    From Alex

      INGLÊS EM 7 DIAS PARA TODAS AS OCASIÕES:
    Ao encontrar alguém:
    Se você quiser uma Coca-Cola, diga:
    Se você quiser comer uns ovos com presunto:
    Se precisar pegar um táxi, pergunte:
    Se prender o dedo na porta do táxi, grite:
    Se levar um escorregão no metrô, diga:
    Se você for assaltado no Bronx:
    Se você der de cara com um mulherão tipo Cindy Crawford, diga:
    Se alguém lhe gritar algo que contenha FÂC, responda:
    Se você perder seu passaporte, chame a policia e diga:
    Se você se perder na cidade, grite:
    Quando se referir a uma terceira pessoa, outro sujeito, diga:
    Se estiver à fim de transar com aquela mulher espetacular, diga-lhe:
    Mesma situação que a anterior, mas se for um pouco tímido, diga:
    Se lhe perguntarem quem fez determinada coisa, aponte na direção da pessoa:
    Se quiser fazer um elogio a uma mulher, diga:
    Se achar algo caro, diga:
    Se quiser tentar um desconto, diga:
    Se estiver com dor de barriga diga:
    Se não se lembrar de onde conhece determinada pessoa, diga:
    Se você encontrar uma pessoa muito feia, saúde-a dizendo:
    Se você estiver à fim de convidar aquela super-gata para ir para a sua casa:
    Se o caixa lhe pedir dinheiro trocado, diga:
    Se gostar da comida, diga:
    Se achar que alguém está querendo fazer gozação com você, pergunte:
    Se alguém estiver lhe enchendo o saco, diga:
    Se achar que estas instruções não lhe servem prá nada, ouça bem:
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    UÓSSÂP MÉN
    GUIMI ACOUC
    RÉM ÂNEGZ
    RAO TU GUET ÂFÂQUIN QUÉB?
    FÂC!
    FÂC
    FÂC
    UARA FÂC!
    FÂQUIU TU
    AI LÓST MAI FÂQUIN PEIPERS
    AI EM FÂQUIN LÓST
    DE FÂQUIN GAI OVADÉR
    AI UANA FÂC UIT IÚ
    RELOU, CUDAI FÂQ UIT IU?
    DÂ FÂQUIN BITX OVADÉR DID DÂ XIT
    IUR BÂT IS FÂQUIN GÚD
    DIZ XIT IS FÂQUIN ECSPENSIF
    GIMI Â FÂQUIN DISCÁUNT
    UÉR QUENAI TEICA FÂQUIN XIT?
    UÉR D FÂC DUAI NOUIU FRÓM?
    IU ÁR Â FÂQUIN ÂGLI MÂDAFÂCA
    QUENAI TEIC IU ROME ÉN FÂQUIÚ?
    AI EINT GÁT ÉNI FÂQUIN CHENDJI
    DIZ XIT IS FÃQUIN GÚD
    ARIU FÂQUIN UIT MI?
    DÔNFÂC MÉN, DÔNBI ÂNÉSSÔL
    UARA FÂC IÚ ÓNT?


    from Ralph Larovere

    90 ADVANTAGES OF BEING A MALE

    1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
    2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
    3. You know stuff about tanks.
    4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
    5. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
    6. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
    7. You can open all your own jars.
    8. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
    9. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
    10. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
    11. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
    12. All your orgasms are real.
    13. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
    14. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
    15. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
    16. You understand why "Stripes" is funny.
    17. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
    18. Your last name stays put.
    19. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
    20. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
    21. You can kill your own food.
    22. The garage is all yours.
    23. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
    24. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
    25. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
    26. You never have to clean the toilet.
    27. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
    28. Sex means never worrying about your reputation: the more partners, the better.
    29. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    30. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be you friend.
    31. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
    32. The National College Cheerleading Championship
    33. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
    34. You don't have to shave below your neck.
    35. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
    36. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
    37. You can write your name in the snow.
    38. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
    39. Everything on your face stays its original color.
    40. Chocolate is just another snack.
    41. You can be president.
    42. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
    43. Flowers fix everything.
    44. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
    45. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
    46. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
    47. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
    48. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
    49. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
    50. Foreplay is optional.
    51. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe and you don't know what Kalvin Klein is.
    52. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
    53. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
    54. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
    55. You never feel compelled to waste an evening trying to stop a pal from getting laid.
    56. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
    57. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
    58. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me.
    59. The world is your urinal (You can pee anywhere).
    60. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
    61. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
    62. One mood, all the time.
    63. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
    64. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
    65. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
    66. Same work....more pay.
    67. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
    68. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
    69. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
    70. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
    71. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
    72. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
    73. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
    74. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
    75. You can have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
    76. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
    77. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
    78. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
    79. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
    80. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"
    81. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
    82. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
    83. You don't mind being a sexual object.
    84. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because your not in the mood.
    85. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can fix it or bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
    86. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
    87. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
    88. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
    89. Not liking certain people does not preclude having great sex with them.
    90. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
     
    From MANNA - Canada
    To all of you girls out there: here's something to laugh about; and to all of you guys out there: send us some women's jokes
    Why do men want to marry virgins?
    They can't stand criticism.
    How is a man like a snowstorm?
    Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll last.
    Why do men name their penises?
    Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
    How do men sort their laundry?
    "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
    Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
    So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

    From MANNA - Canada
    Hey! This stuff is good. I hope you enjoy it.

    MY VERY FIRST TIME  

    The sky was dark
    The moon was high
    All alone just she and I
    I didn't know how
    But I tried my best
    I started by placing
    My hands on her breast
    Her hair was soft
    Her eyes were blue
    I knew just what
    She wanted to do
    I remember my fear
    My fast beating heart
    But slowly she spread
    Her legs apart
    Her skin so soft
    Her legs so fine
    I ran my fingers
    Down her spine
    And when I did it
    I felt no shame
    All at once
    The white stuff came
    At last it's finished  
    It's all over now    
    My first time ever  
    At milking a cow...

    To all students with laugh from KRAZYBITCH:

    Now I lay me
    Down to study,
    I pray the Lord
    I won't go nutty.
    Tell my prof
    I did my best,
    Then pile my books
    Upon my chest.
    If I should fail
    To learn this junk,
    I pray the Lord
    I will not flunk.
    Now I lay me
    Down to rest,
    And pray I'll pass
    Tomorrow's test.
    But if I do,
    Don't pity me at all,
    Just lay my bones
    In the study hall.
      
    If I should die
    Before I wake,
    That's one less test
    I'll have to take.

    From MANNA - Canada
    Technology on the eve of the 21st century
     
    Four major executives from various countries are playing golf together on the second tee when they hear a phone ring. The Canadian executive reaches into his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. "OK, buy 1000 Microsoft shares" the Canadian tells the other person on the phone, then hangs up. He then says to the others, "I'm such an important person that I have to make sure my employees can reach me at any time. Therefore I carry a cell phone everywhere."
    On the next tee, they hear another phone. All of a sudden the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to his ear and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others "I'm so important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way, I don't have to worry about carrying a cellular telephone and can be reached even when I'm taking a shower." The people are impressed and move on. On the green, they hear another phone ring. The German guy stands up tall and says "OK, sell the company now." He loosens up and tells the others: "I'm so important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up straight to get the signal." Everybody is really impressed and they continue playing. At the next tee they hear another phone ring. All of a sudden the Japanese executive runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they go into the bushes. The Japanese guy is in the bushes with his pants around his legs and squatting as if to take a dump. "Oh, we're sorry" the American executive exclaims, "we'll leave you alone." "That's OK," the Japanese executive says "I'm just waiting for a fax."

    From MANNA - Canada
    Medical Science
     
    A man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
                You have tennis elbow.
                Soak your arm in warm water.
                Avoid heavy labor.
                It will be better in two weeks.
    Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The machine again made the usual noise, blinked a few more lights, and finally printed out the following analysis:
                Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
                Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
                Your daughter's on drugs. Put her in rehab.
                Your wife's pregnant. It isn't yours. Get a lawyer.
                And if you don't stop jerking off (masturbating), your tennis elbow will never get better.
    From MANNA - Canada
    Screwed
     
    A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day". Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded 'yes'. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

    From Alice - Valdosta
    Letter to Santa Claus
     
    Lil Johnny's mother was cleaning one weekend and found this letter that he had sent to Santa the previous year.
    Dear Santa,
    You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!
    WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH, THAT YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL FUCK YOU UP! I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTH POLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BASTARD!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT FUCK!!!
    Sincerely,
    Lil Johnny

    From Alice - Valdosta
    Turner Brown
    A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says:
    The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy:
    The small white guy says:
    The big black dude looks down and says:
    The small white guy says:

    From Franklin Price - Maine

    Dog training: closer to truth than most would admit

    Five men are bragging about how smart their dogs are: The 1st man is an accountant, the 2nd man is a chemist, the 3rd man is an engineer, the 4th man is a linguist and the 5th is a government worker.
    To show off, the accountant calls to his dog:
    "Slide Rule, do your stuff!"
    Slide Rule goes into the kitchen and returns with a dozen cookies. He divides them into 4 piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agrees that is pretty smart.
    But the chemist says his dog can do better. He calls his dog and says:
    "Test Tube, do your stuff!"
    Test Tube gets up, walks over to the fridge, takes out a quart of milk, gets a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and pours exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agrees that is good.
    However, the engineer says his dog can do even better. He calls his dog and orders:
    "T-Square, do your stuff!"
    T-Square trots over to a desk, takes out some paper and a pen and shrewdly draws a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agrees that is extremely smart.
    Then the linguist says his dog is even more intelligent. He calls the dog and says:
    "Chomsky, do your stuff!"
    Chomsky gets the pen and writes on the paper the word "dog" in 3 languages. Everyone is amazed.
    Finally, the 4 men turn to the government worker and ask: "What can your dog do?" The government worker calls the animal and says:
    "Coffee Break, do your stuff!"
    Coffee Break jumps to his feet, eats the cookies, drinks the milk, dumps on the paper, fines the linguist for teaching without a certificate, sexually assaults the other 4 dogs, claims that he injured his back while doing so, files a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, puts in for worker's compensation and goes home on sick leave.

    Portuguese - English dictionary of dirty words - link
    Engrish.com - link

    Se você tiver uma piada interessante e engraçada, relacionada a inglês, por favor mande-nos para publicação.


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